S A T I R E
In an outcome that was sure to shake the foundations of the entire country, the first criminal trial of a former president reached its close, as Donald Trump was convicted of being Donald Trump.
[Whereas being Donald Trump was previously just an annoyance, it was elevated to a misdemeanor in New York state. Subsequently, in highly complex maneuvers still being debated by legal analysts and not revealed to the jurors, DJT status, as it was billed, was elevated to a felony offense. Later jurors were heard insisting that they knew exactly what they were doing when finding Trump guilty on all 34 counts.]
The verdict was handed down on May 30 in a New York courtroom, with jurors unanimously agreeing that the evidence presented by the prosecution overwhelmingly proved that the defendant was indeed guilty of being Donald Trump.
"It was an open and shut case," said prosecutor Joshua Steinglass. "There wasn't any way he could sit there being Donald Trump and just get away with it. We were given strict orders to hold him accountable for being Donald Trump, and that's what we've done. Justice has been carried out and he will now face the penalty for being Donald Trump, as he should."
Public reaction, as expected, was heavily mixed, with law enforcement on hand to prevent any riots or unrest outside the courthouse. "This is the greatest moment of my life," said Academy Award-winning actor Robert DeNiro. "We got ‘em. We finally got ‘em. Being Donald Trump shouldn't ever be allowed. Not in America." Trump's legal team vowed a swift appeal, with the possibility of the Supreme Court determining whether or not being Donald Trump is, in fact, a crime punishable by jail time or death.
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