S A T I R E
After being accused of multiple counts of sexual assault, Rep. Eric Swalwell issued a fierce denial today, insisting that he never assaulted any of the Chinese spies he slept with.
Swalwell ... described all of his relationships with Chinese intelligence agents as "totally consensual."
"You can ask anyone in the Chinese intelligence community," said Swalwell. "They will all tell you that I never assaulted one single spy that I slept with. I am deeply hurt and and angered by these malicious accusations."
[The congressman insisted that his time] serving our nation on the Congressional Intelligence Committee was marked by nothing but loving, consensual relationships with Chinese spies."
[To be perfectly clear], "I gave them access to whatever files they asked for. That's it. Everything was one-hundred-percent voluntary and mutually agreed upon."
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